This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
