Old men and throwing up are my life now.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
