she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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