I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
