I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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