I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Randomize
