she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
