It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
