i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
