So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
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I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
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I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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