Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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