You work out of a Hotel?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
You are a booty call, not a friend.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
