My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I still have a little drunk in my system
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
