good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
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His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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