There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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