I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
