I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
