god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
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i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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