Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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