Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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