4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
