thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
