I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
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You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
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Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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