I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
