That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
