help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
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