I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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