sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
