And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
