Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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