too bad you live with your parents still
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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