Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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