And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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