I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
