i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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