You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
