So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Randomize
