I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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