Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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