I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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