I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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