you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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