ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
