fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
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I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
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I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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