Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
