you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
