Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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