she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
