This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Randomize
