On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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