dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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