it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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