So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
