Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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