Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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