Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
