He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize