they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
