Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
The feeling are messing with the penis
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
