Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
