we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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