i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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